Awesome Dog 5000 Read online

  “Skyler?! Wait up! SKYLER!” Ralph yelled from below. He grabbed hold of the drainpipe to try to follow her, when—

  “Ralph? What are you doing out here?” asked Mrs. Fontana. She had heard the screaming and had come outside.

  “Oh. Hi! Mrs. Fontana. I’m just…” Ralph needed a good cover story fast. He looked to his gear and said, “Just going door to door selling spy equipment for our school fundraiser. We’re taking a field trip to…Japan to visit a ninja museum.”

  This was a terrible cover story.

  “Mrs. Fontana, can I interest you in a set of night-vision goggles?” asked Ralph with an awkward smile.

  IN MARTY’S BEDROOM, Skyler found Awesome Dog powered down in the corner. She flipped his on switch. The dog sparked to life.

  “We need your help, Awesome Dog,” said Skyler. “Marty’s in trouble and—”

  “BARK. BARK. PROTECTING MARTY. ACTIVATING MEGA-CANNON,” said Awesome Dog. His bazooka popped out of his back.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy there. Marty’s not here. That’s the problem,” Skyler said. She pushed the mega-cannon down into its chamber. “An evil scientist has Marty in an underground lab. Do you remember the address of that mansion you and Marty crashed?”

  “BARK. BARK. SCANNING FOR EVIL SCIENTIST’S MANSION,” said Awesome Dog. His eyes turned into submarine-style radar screens. His ears opened into two rotating satellite dishes. His GPS began searching every street in the city.

  “SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING,” said Awesome Dog.

  Down in the front yard, Mrs. Fontana donated five dollars to Ralph’s made-up ninja fundraiser. When she went back inside the house, she heard a robot voice coming from her son’s bedroom. She called up, “Marty? Is that you?”

  Skyler panicked. She couldn’t let Mrs. Fontana catch them. They had to find the mansion immediately. Skyler grabbed Awesome Dog by his satellite ears and twisted them faster. It sped up the search but also rushed his speech.

  He blurted out, “SCAN-SCAN-SCAN-SCAN-SCAN-SCAN-SCAN-SCAN.”

  A robot repeatedly yelling “scan” made Mrs. Fontana realize something was wrong. She went up the stairs to investigate. Skyler heard Mrs. Fontana getting closer with every creaking step.

  “SCAN-SCAN-SCAN-SC—MANSION LOCATED!” Awesome Dog said.

  Mrs. Fontana opened Marty’s bedroom door to find—

  The room covered in broken glass and splintered wood chips. Skyler and Awesome Dog were gone.

  Luckily, they’d flown out of the bedroom milliseconds earlier. Unluckily, there hadn’t been time to open the bedroom window first.

  “This is insanity!” Mrs. Fontana yelled, throwing her arms in the air. “What is going on with this new house! First the TV remote doesn’t work, then the front yard catches fire, and now a window mysteriously explodes!”

  Skyler and Awesome Dog jetted from the house, picked up Ralph, and rocketed toward the mansion to battle Dr. Crazybrains.

  FLOATING HIGH IN THE SKY among the bubble-gum clouds was a magical place called Fancy Town. Fancy Town had rainbow streets lined with beautiful cupcake houses. Everyone who lived there was super nice, and everything had a sparkly shine.

  One day, Mayor Sweetcheeks had a tea party and invited his dearest friend, Princess Snuggle-wuggles. They sat in fluffy pink chairs, sipped yummy glittery tea, and had a very polite talk about cuddly kitty cats—

  Dr. Crazybrains set down his handheld video game Sparkle Rainbow Tea Party Adventure. He was back in his underground lab waiting for the icy Marty statue to thaw. Dr. Crazybrains looked at his watch. It had been twenty minutes since they warped out of the cafeteria. It was time for the next step in his evil revenge plan.

  Dr. Crazybrains tucked his game system into his limited-edition Sparkle Rainbow Tea Party Adventure smiley-cupcake fanny pack and checked on his new prisoner.

  Marty was locked in one of the empty banana beast cages. The Igloo-Goo had finally melted, leaving Marty drenched in ice water. His spiked hair was wet and fell flat against his head. He was shivering from the cold.

  Dr. Crazybrains peeked into the cage and teased, “Hey, kid! What are you doing? Just chilling out?” The doctor gave a big evil laugh at his own joke.

  Marty didn’t think it was funny at all. He was freezing and wanted out of the cage and into warm, dry socks. He pleaded with Dr. Crazybrains. “Look, I feel really bad for crashing your mansion, but can’t you just use one of your potions to fix it?”

  “You’re right. I could use my Fixer Elixir. It’s a potion that repairs anything,” the doctor said. He pointed to a small bottle on his shelf. The bottle’s label showed a screwdriver and gear. “But first I was thinking of using a potion that…TRANSFORMS YOUR FEET INTO LUMPS OF SPAGHETTI!!!”

  The doctor dramatically pointed at another potion. This bottle had an image of a man standing in noodles.

  Marty was shocked. “You’re horrible! How can anyone be so evil?”

  The doctor flashed an insane grin. He had been waiting for Marty to ask him that very question. He said, “Congratulations! You’ve made it to step six of my perfect evil revenge plan! This is the part where I tell you the amazing backstory of how I became a supervillain. I also did some cool drawings to jazz it up.”

  Okay. Wait…again. Before we go to the next chapter, there should be another warning to the reader.

  If you expected Dr. Crazybrains to have some zany and goofball reason why he became a supervillain, then this backstory isn’t for you. Our apologies if you were misled. Even though Awesome Dog 5000 has been a comedy so far, this next backstory is a twisted tale of very serious evil.*

  * Serious evil includes delicious ice cream, family fun, and a business card. If you’re not afraid of these items, then you should be okay to proceed.**

  ** If these things do scare you, have an adult read the chapter to you instead. Unless they get scared easily, too. In that case, maybe just jump ahead to chapter 22.

  Written by

  Dr. Crazybrains

  Illustrated by

  Dr. Crazybrains

  My journey down the path to evil began on a dark and stormy night. There was also a full moon with Halloween-style bats flying across it, and I think I heard a wolf howl in the distance. It might have been a werewolf or a dude with a really, really hairy back. Either way, it was all very spooky.

  It was on this night of terror that I…

  OPENED MY OWN ICE CREAM SHOP!

  I actually should have waited until morning to open the shop, when it wasn’t raining and bats weren’t flying around, but I was really excited to start my new business.

  This was long before I was an evil mad scientist. Back then I was just a guy who loved making ice cream. What I enjoyed most was creating original flavors. It was my dream to make the world smile when people tasted my delicious new flavors.

  I crafted thousands of unique and fun recipes like pepperoni pizza; “so good, you forget math” chocolate-caramel flavor; and my all-time silliest flavor: orange sherbet.

  But no one wanted any of them.

  Day after day, I watched people walk past my shop in disgust. They would stand at the store window and stick their tongues out at me. Some walked inside, gave me a thumbs-down, and then said, “I’m writing a bad review on the internet about you!” One guy even bought an ice cream sundae just so he could immediately stomp on it. I never understood why the entire neighborhood hated my fun flavors.

  Everything changed, though, when a tall man in a black cape with a mechanical claw hand came to my shop. He was with his two kids, who also had black capes and claw hands. They were having a family day together and stopped in for a tasty treat.

  What happened to all of their hands? Where did they get matching capes? Most importantly, why am I asking all these questions? I don’t know! It’s not imp
ortant! This chapter’s about my amazing backstory, not the claw-hand family’s fashion choices!

  Mr. Clawhand asked me to create him a new flavor. He wanted the most evil ice cream ever made. It was an odd request. I had never created anything evil before, but I wasn’t going to waste the chance for someone to finally try my unique flavors.

  I immediately whipped together some ingredients: squid ink, snake venom, tarantula hair, and mint chocolate chip. I threw it all in a blender and served it on three sugar cones.

  The family took one lick of their evil ice cream and scrunched up their faces. They didn’t smile. They were disgusted. The daughter shrieked, “Daddy! It’s awful!”

  Her father’s claw hand snapped onto my collar. He pulled me in close. I was terrified as he slowly reached under his cape with his normal hand and pulled out…

  A BUSINESS CARD!

  Mr. Clawhand wasn’t just some regular father with a black cape and a mechanical claw. He was the president of the League of World Supervillains and Other Mean People. He explained to me that I had unknowingly opened my new ice cream shop next door to his international headquarters. That is why no one wanted my nice flavors. Everyone in the neighborhood was a supervillain who only liked the taste of evil.

  Mr. Clawhand made me a business offer, but it wasn’t for my ice cream. He wanted to use my superior mixing skills to create evil potions. I then could sell them to all the supervillains in the league. Mr. Clawhand told me that with his help I could become the world’s coolest new supervillain!

  He put his pincer around my shoulder and said, “Listen, buddy. You don’t have to give up your dream. A frown is just an upside-down smile. You’ll still be making people happy. They’ll just all be villains. Like you.”

  This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I could finally stop all the teasing and mean insults and get people to accept me. All I had to do was change everything about myself and become evil.

  The choice was easy. Who didn’t want to be cool? I decided that day I would no longer be Ned the Nice Ice Cream Guy. I would forever be…

  I signed Mr. Clawhand’s contract and created my first potion. I then made the guy who stomped on my ice cream drink it. His head was transformed into a giant toilet. Now everyone calls him T. P. McFlush-face, and all us supervillains make fun of him.

  THE END

  Marty sat in his cage patiently listening to Dr. Crazybrains’s backstory. After it was over, the doctor gave a big, wild-eyed smile and asked, “Pretty amazing, right? What’d you think of my sweet drawings?”

  Marty was confused. “Wait. The reason you became a supervillain was because some bad guy in a cape gave you a business card? That backstory wasn’t amazing at all. The whole thing took place in an ice cream shop.”

  “Yeah. I know. I know. I was going to include a lot more stuff,” Dr. Crazybrains explained, “but my hand got tired from drawing all the pictures, so I shortened the backstory. I left out how I fell into toxic sludge and it gave me super-intelligence, and how I met my butler on an adventure in Australia. I also fought three cobras to get venom for that evil ice cream recipe.”

  “That stuff is totally amazing. You should definitely include that stuff in your story next time,” Marty said.

  “WELL, TOO BAD! There won’t be a next time for you!” screamed Dr. Crazybrains. “Your time is up, you spike-haired pipsqueak! We’re now on step seven! This is when I choose a final potion and complete my perfect evil revenge!”

  DR. CRAZYBRAINS went to his wall of a thousand potions to decide which one to use on Marty. The doctor narrowed his choices down to two potions.

  One bottle’s label showed a rabbit. “I could use my Cutie-Pie Potion on you,” the doctor said. “This will transform you into an adorable little bunny. Then I’ll sell you to a grandma who will name you Fluffikins and give you wet, slobbery smooches every day on your cheeks!”

  Marty couldn’t imagine living as a rabbit. He hated eating carrots and really hated gross grandma kisses.

  Dr. Crazybrains held up the second potion. This label showed two large half circles. “Or I could use my Tons-of-Tush Tonic? It makes your butt twenty times bigger. You’ll never walk through a door again!” said the doctor.

  Marty gasped. Where would he ever find underwear that big?

  The doctor made his decision. He grabbed both potions and said, “I choose—”

  But his decision was interrupted. Awesome Dog, Ralph, and Skyler crashed into the lab.

  “Zeroes Club in the house—or rather, in the mansion! Woop-woop!” yelled Ralph.

  The explosion from their entrance sent Dr. Crazybrains flying. His potions flipped into the air, and he belly-flopped into a potion-mixing vat.

  Dr. Crazybrains was defeated.

  Awesome Dog and the kids flew to Marty’s cage. They didn’t need a key. Awesome Dog used the thruster fire from his rocket paw to melt the lock off. Marty was finally freed.

  “You came just in time!” said Marty. He was so relieved to be saved. Marty gave Skyler and Ralph high fives. “Thanks for rescuing me, and thanks for defeating Dr. Crazybrains, Awesome Dog!”

  “BARK. BARK. TOO EASY,” said Awesome Dog.

  But Awesome Dog’s work wasn’t done yet. A monstrous roar boomed out, “YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY! THEN YOU RUINED MY REVENGE PLAN! NOW I’M GOING TO DO A RE-REVENGE PLAN!”

  A shadowy figure lifted its head out of the potion-mixing vat.

  WHEN DR. CRAZYBRAINS fell into the mixing vat, his revenge potions came with him. The Cutie-Pie Potion and the Tons-of-Tush Tonic mixed into an awful combination. It created a hideous monster covered in soft white fur. It had a pink twitchy nose and two fluffy ears sprouting from its bald head. It was Dr. Crazybrains, but he was transformed into a little bunny…

  “YOU DON’T MIND IF I BUTT IN, DO YOU?” asked Dr. Crazybunny.

  The doctor hammered his enormous butt cheeks down toward Marty, Ralph, and Skyler. The kids jumped aside, barely dodging the attack. The doctor missed and shattered his experiment table. All the banana beasts scattered across the lab.

  “We need to get out of here fast,” said Marty. All three kids grabbed on to Awesome Dog’s leash. Marty ordered, “Let’s jet, Awesome Dog!”

  Awesome Dog’s rocket paws fired up. It was blastoff in three…two…one—

  “BARK. BARK. OUT OF BATTERY POWER,” said Awesome Dog.

  The dog’s thrusters sputtered out. He flopped over sideways. His eye lights went dark.

  “Un-fun fact,” Ralph said. “Double-A batteries only last two days in a robot dog.”

  Dr. Crazybunny cackled with evil laughter. The kids needed a getaway plan, or they were going to be smooshed by a massive bunny butt.

  “If we can’t run, we’ll have to stand up to him. Boss battle–style,” said Skyler.

  “Boss battle? Are you insane?!” said Ralph. “How do you expect three fifth graders to take on a giant doctor-bunny thing? We don’t have any weapons or karate moves, and fart codes don’t work in real life!”

  Marty looked around the room for anything that could help them. He then got a crazy idea. “Maybe there is a cheat code for this. How about up, up, down, down, B, A, select…a potion?”

  Skyler understood Marty’s plan. She nodded. “Aw, yeah! Time for a power-up!”

  “Let’s use the doctor’s potions against him,” Marty said with a smirk.

  THERE WERE ONLY a few seconds to search the wall of potions before the doctor was in butt-striking range. The kids needed to find the perfect potion to stop his superpowered butt cheeks from crushing them. Unfortunately, none of the bottle labels had any words, only pictures.

  “How are we supposed to know which one to pick if we don’t know what any of them do?” said Ralph.

  “Just guess!” said Marty.

  “But cho
ose something that looks powerful!” said Skyler.

  The kids randomly picked six potions, one for each hand. Skyler turned and faced the doctor first. She held up her potion. “Back off or you’ll be splashed with—with—” She didn’t know what was in the bottle. The label had a scary skull and crossbones, so she guessed. “With this poison potion!”

  Dr. Crazybunny didn’t show any signs of fear. He wiggled his butt and prepared to attack. Skyler threw the potion at the doctor and hoped it would work.

  The potion hit Dr. Crazybunny square in the chest. A thick black goo dripped down his front and soaked into his fur. The potion’s effect was strong, but not how Skyler expected.

  First, an eye patch grew over the doctor’s left bunny eye. Then Dr. Crazybunny’s paw mutated into a hook. One of his teeth turned gold, and a treasure map tattoo appeared across his giant left butt cheek.